it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
