Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
