I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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