1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
