i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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