Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
