my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize