i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Blood and glitter go together right?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
