.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
