every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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