im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
