my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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