I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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