marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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