Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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