i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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