im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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