please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
