we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
