I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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