I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
