Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
