this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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