This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
