Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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