I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
