no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
