Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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