at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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