I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
