he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
