i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
