NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize