Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
