Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
