i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
