No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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