Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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