The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
