It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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