Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
