my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
