im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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