All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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