Just fell off a train. Bad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
