He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
