My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
