quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
