i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
