I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
