Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
