I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
are you so shy because you have an std?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
