You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
