So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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