please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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