did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
