So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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