I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
