I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
