I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
