This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
